30 Days of Truth- Day Two

Ok. something I love about myself. Hmmmm...I haven't thought about it as much as I usually do when I try to draft a post. Usually I work it out in my head somewhat, then try to get the words down, and then work on the organization part so there is some coherency, and then tweak it. I am a constant tweaker which makes it hard to keep up with daily posts. I also like to have a more conversational feel to my writing when I am writing here (with lots of asides which I typically put in parentheses) so I tend to be all over the place at times. So I am gonna go all stream of consciousness here and let the words flow...

To pick one thing I love about myself is difficult. I am my hardest critic I would say and I may sell myself short at times and at times lack confidence...wait yesterday was what I hated about myself and here I am going on and on about the negative. I guess it's hard to say good things about myself at the risk of sounding conceited, or worse deluded. But I would have to say that I think my open mindedness is the thing I love best about myself. That is a broad concept that can include some other qualities I like about myself. My compassion and kindness toward others. My acceptance and tolerance of those different than me. My willingness, or rather compulsion, to learn about other ways of thinking, even if it clashes with my current state of thought and may at times anger me (especially when the way of thinking is not open minded).

Looking ahead I know religion and politics are coming up on another day so I will have a chance to expound more on those topics, but open mindedness is certainly something that challenges those constructs. In order to have faith or belief in one thing means that you have to abandon, and in some cases vehemently reject, any idea that is in contrast with that belief. I just have a hard time with that. I mean time and space is so vast, so diverse, so limitless, it would be so smug and elitist to think that just because I happened to be a woman born in the late 1960s to a middle class Catholic family that the world view that most of my social group adheres to is the one and only way. It is a conundrum of sorts that really puts me at odds with organized religion, or politics for that matter.

I feel like my opinions and beliefs are dynamic and fluid, they can be ever changing depending on new things I learn or new ways of looking at things as well as the situation at hand. Although I can't say that I will always understand others' beliefs that are vastly different from mine. However, I don't really have to. All I can say is that I support their right to hold those beliefs, otherwise I would be a hypocrite. Just because it may not be a belief that I necessarily share, doesn't have to mean that one is right or one is wrong. I don't need to tear down another's beliefs to validate mine. It does not threaten me in any way to acknowledge competing beliefs exist. What I do take issue with is that not everyone opens their minds to this possibility.

30 Days of Truth- Day One

Ok, I haven't been on this thang (not a typo) lately. I would like to say that it's because of a lack of inspiration, but it more likely has been a lack of motivation (uh story of my life). I have been reading other blogs like the dickens, but just can't seem to get the wherewithal to pick this back up. Oh well, I have decided that I will "try" to participate in this 30 Days of Truth thing that is circulating amongst bloggers. I previewed the list and have tried not to dwell too much on what is coming up instead focusing on one day at a time (now I sound like a 12 stepper and I really have to stop with this parenthetical disclaimers). So here we go....

Day One-Something you Hate About Yourself
Funny how the first truth involves finding fault and negativity with yourself. I suppose once you get down to the nitty gritty of what the hell is wrong with yourself it gets easier to divulge other truths about yourself. I would have to admit that the thing I hate most about me is my sensitivity. Not that I think it's a bad thing to be sensitive. Actually, I think it very important that we feel things with all of our being, that we empathize with others, that we follow our hearts.

So what I more specifically mean is that I hate how my sensitivity is displayed, or rather not restrained in certain situations. Whether I am angry, sad, frustrated, yes even proud, I have a propensity towards tears and an inability to properly articulate how I feel. I am sure that past boyfriends were dismayed and at times annoyed by my tears during fights. So with interpersonal relationships the crying can be problematic. I don't do it to emotionally manipulate, for the most part (this is supposed to be truths afterall). But I especially hate it when it happens at work. I guess I just feel like it shows a weakness in me for the rest of the world to see. I want to be seen in those instances as that person who has grace under pressure (not the sitcom) who can calmly and succintly express myself.

I clearly recall in 3rd grade when I accidentally dropped by trapper keeper all over the classroom floor. Mrs. McCall yelled at me for it as if I had intentionally spilled all my papers over the floor only to scoop them up and distract the entire class. I started crying and got to that rather unattractive point of sobbing to where you feel like you can hardly breathe. I am a pleaser so part of the emotional response was because a person in a position of authority called me out on something I did by accident. And the other part involved my unwillingness and discomfort with being singled out and have the whole class looking at me. Then is just snowballs with my frustration with crying in the first place which leads to even more crying.

I am a pretty hopeful and optimistic person so I have to tell myself that if this is what I hate most about myself I can't be doing too bad. But I have many times wished I could put on a strong front so crying is not perceived as a weakness. But at the end of the day I would much rather feel the depths of emotions in this way then to feel hardened and stoic, or worse to feel nothing at all.