30 Days of Truth- Day One
Ok, I haven't been on this thang (not a typo) lately. I would like to say that it's because of a lack of inspiration, but it more likely has been a lack of motivation (uh story of my life). I have been reading other blogs like the dickens, but just can't seem to get the wherewithal to pick this back up. Oh well, I have decided that I will "try" to participate in this 30 Days of Truth thing that is circulating amongst bloggers. I previewed the list and have tried not to dwell too much on what is coming up instead focusing on one day at a time (now I sound like a 12 stepper and I really have to stop with this parenthetical disclaimers). So here we go....
Day One-Something you Hate About Yourself
Funny how the first truth involves finding fault and negativity with yourself. I suppose once you get down to the nitty gritty of what the hell is wrong with yourself it gets easier to divulge other truths about yourself. I would have to admit that the thing I hate most about me is my sensitivity. Not that I think it's a bad thing to be sensitive. Actually, I think it very important that we feel things with all of our being, that we empathize with others, that we follow our hearts.
So what I more specifically mean is that I hate how my sensitivity is displayed, or rather not restrained in certain situations. Whether I am angry, sad, frustrated, yes even proud, I have a propensity towards tears and an inability to properly articulate how I feel. I am sure that past boyfriends were dismayed and at times annoyed by my tears during fights. So with interpersonal relationships the crying can be problematic. I don't do it to emotionally manipulate, for the most part (this is supposed to be truths afterall). But I especially hate it when it happens at work. I guess I just feel like it shows a weakness in me for the rest of the world to see. I want to be seen in those instances as that person who has grace under pressure (not the sitcom) who can calmly and succintly express myself.
I clearly recall in 3rd grade when I accidentally dropped by trapper keeper all over the classroom floor. Mrs. McCall yelled at me for it as if I had intentionally spilled all my papers over the floor only to scoop them up and distract the entire class. I started crying and got to that rather unattractive point of sobbing to where you feel like you can hardly breathe. I am a pleaser so part of the emotional response was because a person in a position of authority called me out on something I did by accident. And the other part involved my unwillingness and discomfort with being singled out and have the whole class looking at me. Then is just snowballs with my frustration with crying in the first place which leads to even more crying.
I am a pretty hopeful and optimistic person so I have to tell myself that if this is what I hate most about myself I can't be doing too bad. But I have many times wished I could put on a strong front so crying is not perceived as a weakness. But at the end of the day I would much rather feel the depths of emotions in this way then to feel hardened and stoic, or worse to feel nothing at all.
Day One-Something you Hate About Yourself
Funny how the first truth involves finding fault and negativity with yourself. I suppose once you get down to the nitty gritty of what the hell is wrong with yourself it gets easier to divulge other truths about yourself. I would have to admit that the thing I hate most about me is my sensitivity. Not that I think it's a bad thing to be sensitive. Actually, I think it very important that we feel things with all of our being, that we empathize with others, that we follow our hearts.
So what I more specifically mean is that I hate how my sensitivity is displayed, or rather not restrained in certain situations. Whether I am angry, sad, frustrated, yes even proud, I have a propensity towards tears and an inability to properly articulate how I feel. I am sure that past boyfriends were dismayed and at times annoyed by my tears during fights. So with interpersonal relationships the crying can be problematic. I don't do it to emotionally manipulate, for the most part (this is supposed to be truths afterall). But I especially hate it when it happens at work. I guess I just feel like it shows a weakness in me for the rest of the world to see. I want to be seen in those instances as that person who has grace under pressure (not the sitcom) who can calmly and succintly express myself.
I clearly recall in 3rd grade when I accidentally dropped by trapper keeper all over the classroom floor. Mrs. McCall yelled at me for it as if I had intentionally spilled all my papers over the floor only to scoop them up and distract the entire class. I started crying and got to that rather unattractive point of sobbing to where you feel like you can hardly breathe. I am a pleaser so part of the emotional response was because a person in a position of authority called me out on something I did by accident. And the other part involved my unwillingness and discomfort with being singled out and have the whole class looking at me. Then is just snowballs with my frustration with crying in the first place which leads to even more crying.
I am a pretty hopeful and optimistic person so I have to tell myself that if this is what I hate most about myself I can't be doing too bad. But I have many times wished I could put on a strong front so crying is not perceived as a weakness. But at the end of the day I would much rather feel the depths of emotions in this way then to feel hardened and stoic, or worse to feel nothing at all.
posted by amyd | 12:13 PM
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