Wildflower Seed in the Sand and Wind

My eyes-Help them to Look as well as to See

Name:
Location: The Triangle, North Carolina, United States

I try to keep an open heart & open mind.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Catharsis

You know how they say that everyone has a gift. Something special about them that makes them unique, and hopefully gives back to the world. I often thought about what I would say my gift is.

At the risk of sounding arrogant (or worse deluded), the one thing I have been told by others was my gift is the ability to write. When I think about the history of my “writing” my first recollections are my Dear Diary entries. I can distinctly remembering reading back one such entry many years later (from my 5 year diary mind you so each daily entry allowed a few lines).

We are moving to Florida. My friends gave me this diary as a going away present, so I will write about our travels to Florida. We ate at Stuckey’s today. Dad said the chili was from a can. And my orange juice was really just Tang. Yuck!

I know, I know it doesn’t sound like writing is my gif, but bear with me. Writing eventually became the best way I knew how to get over something upsetting or tragic. I would journal about my crazy high school boyfriend who didn’t like my mini skirts or make up. I wrote a poem called “Kyrie” after being in a car accident. (It was the 1980’s and I used that song as a metaphor to describe how I felt after that trauma.) I even wrote a poem after some crazy guy shot up the shopping center that my family frequented and sent it in to the local newspaper. I had teachers tell me that my writing was to be cultivated, and I was on my school’s literary magazine. I don’t know why but it has been cathartic for me to write.

But I do feel like I may have lost my way a little.

My last blog entry dates back more than 1 year. And before that the posts became pretty spotty. When I first got turned on to blogging four years ago I felt like I had finally found the forum for me to use my gift. However, the blogging world, as it turns out, is much like a junior high clique. There is definitely a hierarchy and I thought I had wanted to be up there with the popular girls smacking their gum and rolling their eyes at the other dorks. But, I just didn’t have the wherewithal to comment on a bunch of blogs to drum up traffic or to really market myself out there. You see I am shy and insecure when interacting with strangers, and at times lack confidence.

So partly I felt like I just couldn’t come up with witty enough comments that would have directed others to my site. So I avoided that. Thus, my blog was really only read by my sister and a friend of hers-and I always appreciated their comments. I also had a certain level of apprehension with sharing personal information in the blogosphere. I wanted to retain some level of anonymity, and so I was afraid of directing attention my way.

Although over the past year my life has changed dramatically, I couldn’t find the time or energy to write. I had a baby, almost 10 years after having my first. Going through a pregnancy, as a 39 year old would have been a perfect time to chronicle my journey, right? The differences between being a 29 year old pregnant woman is different from being 39 with all the genetic tests and screenings they offer and a whole new level of worry. I also was finishing a Masters thesis, which really kicked my ass. In fact I was submitting my final draft four days after giving birth. And prior to that I was stressing out with edits and feedback from my committee while at the same time praying that I would not go into labor until it was all done. In addition, I had my job, which required me to complete a major annual report at the same time. So it was much easier with all that going on to close down the blog, or rather just put it on the back burner.

Although I took a break from writing, I didn’t stop reading blogs. I had my usual suspects that I read daily, when posts were available. However two blog-related things happened recently that really have affected me in ways I never would have imagined.

The first was coming across a link to a blog that serves as a critique. The blog owner targets the major Mommybloggers players who she perceives to be exploiting their children for financial gain, as well as other blogs that she perceives to lack integrity or honesty. At first I delighted in the snarkiness of this blog. I won’t mention that name of the blog because this post is not about directing traffic that way, or worse yet calling attention to myself. But the point of mentioning it is that it kind of articulated some of the uneasiness I was feeling about myself and what I put out there on my blog, as well as what I was reading about the lives of total strangers.

I do see some value in this blogger’s opinions. It does bring up the question of what is the line between entertainment and exploitation/deception? I guess the reader should always beware of what they are reading anyway. But the topics on this particular blog really made me re-evaluate what I have posted on my own blog. I went back & read through my archives and all in all I don’t have a lot of parenting posts. But, I do think I will write with a more critical pen so to speak, so as not to embarrass my children or put my family in any danger (not that I am even close to the level of having groupies or stalkers.)

The other crusade this particular blogger is on is to eliminate or reduce the negative spin that many bloggers use to describe parenthood. It has become more acceptable for mothers, and fathers for that matter, to say they are not always peachy keen with parenting. There are times that our kids drive us absolutely nuts. So the question remains, is it okay for parents to be honest about their feelings and share them with the rest of the world on their blogs? Does this serve as some public service to let other parents who are struggling to understand that they are not alone and help to verbalize some of the frustrations with parenthood. Or does this only serve to create or validate a parenting culture that only sees the negative aspects of parenting and doesn’t celebrate the joys? That it almost creates bad parenting experiences and feelings because the negativity has become more acceptable to articulate.

I’m not sure how I would answer those questions because I’m still trying to figure it out. I do believe in honesty and when I talk to new mothers I make sure that I share the struggles as well as the joys of parenting. I was misled by other mothers before the birth of my first child who, in hindsight, probably faked the total joy and bliss of parenting a newborn. So when I was struggling to figure out how to be a Mom, I felt like a failure and that there must be something wrong with me because it wasn’t as perfect as I was lead to believe. On the flip side I do see the danger in dwelling on all the negative aspects of parenting and that media (tv, movies, internet, etc) has a way of creating a “reality,” a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will.

The other major thing that happened surrounding my blog reading was coming across two different Mommybloggers who lost their babies last month. I don’t know why I was compelled to go to their sites and read their heart wrenching posts all the while crying at my desk. Both bloggers lost their children unexpectedly (one to SIDS and the other to a respiratory illness), so I guess the terror of those losses is what has affected me so deeply.

I also believe that their poignant and courageous attempts at writing about their experiences and grief have also impacted my life. I have tried talking about it to my husband and mom, but I just can’t seem to get the words out to fully explain how these two strangers’ experiences have broken my heart in a thousand pieces.

I suppose some of it has to do with my own fears of loss. I feel like I am so goddamn lucky to have a loyal husband who is my best friend and two healthy children. The unexpected gift of a baby, although brought about a set of financial and emotional challenges, has made me feel so blessed to have completed our family. I keep thinking that someone is going to pull the rug out from under us and destroy the happy little life we have built.


But I also feel like it is something greater, some deep instinctual drive within a mother’s heart, which allows us to feel (from a distance) the depths of anguish these mothers are feeling. That they are using their gifts as writers to put it out there, to open themselves up to criticism from the internet is truly inspirational to me. The courage and grace with which these two mothers have shared with the internet world in the face of sheer tragedy is nothing short of amazing to me. I hope they will find the peace that they need and know that the words that they share with us have the power to help us all be better people.

I don’t understand why bad things happen, but I do know that writing can not only provide a catharsis for the writer, but for the reader too who may need it sometime in the future.