Maternal Trainwreck

I have been up front before about my propensity towards crying at the drop of a hat. I am very sensitive and feel emotion strongly. My body's way of dealing with that is the produce big wet salty tears that flow like drops from a leaky faucet-no matter how hard you screw the faucet the water keeps dripping. I would have to say it's one of things about myself I most hate (gee only one, huh?).

Anyway, today this quality that I so hate about myself made me feel like the world's worst mother.*

*Editorial note: Yes, that previous statement was hyperbole. I know I'm not the world's worst-that title is held by Miss Spears (just kidding Brit! I know you live under a microscope and what mother hasn't dropped their baby, stumbled while holding their baby, improperly restrained their child while driving, or married some creep.)**

**Editorial note #2: for those of you who are unfamiliar to sarcasm just ignore that last jab. And yes I agree, there should be a moratorium on scrutinizing Britney Spears. But how else can I make myself feel better as a mother than to drag down other mothers, especially ones that are rich and famous. ***

***Editorial note #4: sarcasm remember?

So why pray tell you might be saying, should I be considered a bad mommy? Well, as mentioned previously my daughter spent the last week with her grandparents in North Georgia. We drove over there this past weekend to pick her up and to attend my husband's sisters wedding-or more appropriately the exchange of vows. That will be another post this week so stay tuned....

But back to the subject of the world's worst mother, well my daughter was to start a new summer camp this week. We had never attended this particular camp sponsored by the county parks and recreation department. But the price was right and as they say "you get what you pay for" -which might explain why my first impression of this summer camp was not all that positive and cheery.

It started with a lively discussion with the lady checking campers in. My daughter's name was not on The List. So she asked me if I had paid. I told her that I had paid in May when I signed her up. She then asked if I had indicated what week the payment was going to be for-since they offer multiple weeks. I told her that I couldn't remember if I had indicated on the check, but I had assumed that the payment would have been applied to the first week that we had signed up. So she said I must have indicated week one, which was last week. I told her that my daughter was not signed up for last week and did not attend, so why would I have paid for a week that I had not signed up for? At this point I was starting to catch a subtle attitude from this woman that was saying that she was right and I was wrong about this whole thing. I told her again that it didn't make sense if the payment was applied to a week I had not signed up, to which she finally said to go ahead and drop her off and that they would check into it and work it out.

Keep in mind that while this exchange between me and check in lady is going on, there is about 500 kids**** crammed into this small gymnasium room.

****Editorial note #3: Hyperbole again, it only sounded like 500 kids.

So I then ask Check in Lady what my daughter was supposed to do. She said she could join the other kids. So we enter the room and they have a few activities set up. A four square game, shooting basketballs, a foosball table, and some art activites and quieter games in a corner. But, we are not greeted by any of the camp counselors. Some of them are engaged in activities with the kids so okay I didn't expect a royal trumpet greeting, but others are kind of just standing around. Now I have worked in the child care business before and one of the cardinal rules is to ALWAYS greet the kid and the parents to make them feel welcome and to ease the transition, especially on a first day. At this point I feel the tears starting to well inside my heart and threatening to surface and burst out of my tear ducts. I, of course, can't let my daughter know that this is starting to happen. I tried to help her decide what activity she wanted to participate in, since I was getting no help with the actual employees of this camp. Mind you this is morning drop off time and I know that eventually they will organize the kids and follow a schedule of planned activities, but I still felt sick to my stomach.

Fortunately as we move over to the quiet corner a little girl was sitting on the ground playing with some game and she looked up and gave my daughter such a nice smile. So my daughter smiled back and I sensed that it was probably going to be okay for her. That didn't mean that it was going to be okay for me, though. So I gave her a goodbye hug and rushed out of there before she could see the tears start to fall. I have to pass by Check in Lady and try not to make eye contact because I certainly don't want her to see my crying either. She calls after me to have a nice day and I brusquely respond. I sit in my car for a few moments with tears literally streaming down my face. I feel foolish. Why can't I pull myself together? Why am I such a crybaby? Why am I leaving my kid at this god awful place? All these thoughts are racing through my mind.

I need my mommy about right now, and it helps restore my faith that everything will be okay once I talk to her. I just hope when I pick up my daughter today she will still have that faith in her mommy.