One Kind Favor

Being nice can be a difficult cross to bear.

This may sound surprising because how could kindness possibly result in any negativity? They say random acts of kindness can be contagious carrying over to others as they pass the kindness on. While I think there may be some truth to that, there is also the case of personality characteristics that just don't lend themselves to kindness. Not to say that some people are just plain mean, but instead I think some just don't realize how their grumpiness, curtness, or inattentiveness affects others. Therefore, they don't pay attention to their kindness compass that should be encouraging them to curtail their seemingly insenstive behavior at the risk of insulting another person.

I have always been described as a "nice" person. Throughout my life I have operated in a way that is overly sensitive to others feelings. This has been very helpful in relating to others and getting along with all kinds of people. However, it also has hindered me because I sometimes feel like I can't seem to muster the toughness and directness needed in some situations because I'm worried about how what I say is going to be perceived by others. I'm careful in my approach to others. I read social cues and back off when I get the vibe someone doesn't want to be bothered. I try to stress the positive when I'm dealing with the negative during conflicts with others. I'm constantly thanking others for what they do, and want them to be sure when I appreciate what they've done.

My Mom is a lot like that too. So, I guess that's where I get it from. The inspiration for this post actually was derived from a situation my Mom encountered with one of her.... friends. I guess that's the correct term. It might be more appropriate to call this person someone who my mother dines out regularly with and graciously listens to her complaints. My Mom met this person because she lives in the same subdivision and these two people can't be more unalike. My mom is sweet, kind, caring and very agreeable. However, this person is harsh, gruff, and very disagreeable. EVERY time my mother and her dines out she is always complaining. The steak was not cooked to her liking, the nachos were too soggy, the service was slow, etc. Now, there is some level of expectation that comes with dining out, but it's my opinion that this person just wants to complain to complain-not because there may be a valid reason. And that is the problem with dealing with these kinds of people, because they complain all the damn time, it's hard to really care or to take them seriously when something really does occur that gives reason to complain. It's like the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" parable.

Anyway, this "friend" of my mother has been having some supposed medical problems recently. First, she was told she had some heart condition several months ago, but then another doctor told her it wasn't as extreme as the first doctor had diagnosed. Then on Christmas she drove to eat out with other friends and couldn't walk when she got to the restaurant. So for the next week, she got a cane and had people running all over town to do her errands. My mom helped her out by taking her to the doctor, buying groceries, filling prescriptions, listening to her. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her legs to explain why she is not able to walk, except for some mild arthritis. However, this woman desparately wanted to be admitted to the hospital.

Finally, on the day after New Year's Day, my Mom is awakened from her nap, because she has not been feeling well with a phone call from this person. She very casually and calmly tells my mom that she is having a heart attack and would like my mother to come over and let the paramedics in. When my mother arrives at her house she is ordering the paramedics around with instuctions and is sent to the hospital.

Needless to say she did not have a heart attack. She calls my mom from the hospital going on and on about how nice the hospital is. The bed is so comfortable and now she can get some rest. This lasted for a couple of days, when she finally realized that staying in the hosptal is not at all relaxing and hospitable. She should've checked into a hotel and ordered the bellhop and room service attendents around instead. The bed was not comfortable after all. And the nurses aides were rough and unfriendly. And the food was terrible. Now this woman has a wheelchair and will have to go through physical therapy to be able to walk again because her muscles have weakened from non-use. So once again my Mom is doing her grocery shopping and filling prescriptions- which she doesn't mind doing. However, because this person is so particular my Mom is stressed out making sure she buys the right blue box of graham crackers for fear of being bombarded with criticism.

My point in all of this is that my mother's kindness has lead to this person to drain her energy with her negativity and hypochondria. But if it wasn't her it would probably be some other nut. That's just how my Mom is. She has a tendency to attract these weirdos. Like the extremely overweight woman she befriended in Maryland when she lived there temporarily after my dad's death. She met her through some volunteer program that gave rides to people who could not drive. She ended up being approached to borrow money and to run all over town for this person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not critical of giving charity by any means. It's just that some people are easily taken advanatage of when they are too nice.

So in thinking of New Year's resolutions I thought that maybe a pledge to not be so nice would be in order. However, who am I kidding? I can't possibly keep that one. And actually I'm glad of that.

Thank goodness, my across the street neighbor didn't make that same resolution either, because he helped us out big time last week. I was grilling out on Thursday evening and was followed out to the back deck by my husband, daughter, and cat (which incidentally was being held precariously by my daughter). The cat did not want to be held nor be outside in the dark, so my daughter closed the door behind her when she came out to make sure the cat would't scurry back inside. Somehow, the lock was engaged, so when the door was closed we could not get back in. Being very secure people, no windows were unlocked so our options were very slim- call a locksmith or break a window. My husband and I are in our pajamas, my daugher is barefoot, and the wind is kicking up and raindrops starting to fall. I go across the street to the neighbors to use their phone. However, Steve is a very handy man and offers to try to help pick the lock for us. After about 5 minutes of trying he eventually is able to use a piece of flashing to pry the lock open and cuts his finger in the process. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hug this man at that moment in time. However, I restrained for fear of invading personal space, but profusely thanked him again and again. Now I plan to return a favor to them by baking something sweet and yummy for them to enjoy. You see, I have to be sure they know how appreciative I am of this rescue.

The meaning in all of this is that being nice might make it more likely to be taken advantage of, however being nice may just be who you are. People will reap the benefits of kindess sometime down the line. And as for the insensitive clods out there, they may need to try just a little more tenderness.

So, I hope kindness abounds in 2006. You never know when you're going to need it.