An Embarrassing Moment Involving Panties, Housework and a UPS Delivery Man
Everyone has embarrassing moments don't they? It just seems like the ones that happen to you are more mortifying than the ones that happen to other people.
Obviously there are also degrees of embarrassment that can be measured based on certain variables. For instance, who else is present when the embarrassing moment takes place is critical to the degree of embarrassment one experiences. Like in 7th grade when my best friend and I were walking down the hall and one of the popular 8th grade boys told my friend that her zipper was down. She was pretty darn embarrassed because when you're 13 and one of the popular kids points out that your fly is down you can't help but feel like you want to absorb into the nearest wall.
Furthermore, embarrassment can be enhanced when it involves certain bodily functions or displays of nudity or partial nudity. Maybe Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan are not embarrassed when their boobs decided to escape. It just might get you an Oscar afterall. And I also know that some men have no problem with passing gas in public. They will let it rip and just grin as if it is some expression of manhood or something. Or worse they may encourage you to pull their finger in anticipation for the fart symphony. Others can be quite embarrassed when a fart occurs around others and you have no way of covering it up. I read Dooce's entry today and she covers this subject quite comically.
Peeing your pants is another embarrassing experience. Or getting your period when wearing white pants. Both of these things have happened to me, so I know all too well the sting of embarrassment.
The pee your pants incident was well covered up though to avoid extreme embarrassment and to this day I'm pretty proud of the quick thinking that resulted in less embarrassment-it was trade off you see. When I was in high school, my sister and I were over a boy's house that I really liked (in hindsight it was a mistake but at the time I was quite taken with this fellow and so wanted to impress). One of this boy's friends came over who was a bit of a clown so he was trying rather hard to make us laugh. The reason that I finally succumbed to laughter involved a stuffed banana that was posing as penis. For some reason this was hilarious, go figure. I tried very hard to control my bladder but when you've been drinking wine coolers and some boy is pretending a stuffed banana is his penis, well you'd have to be made of stone to resist the laughter. Nevertheless, I peed my pants.
What to do?
Since it is understood through the evolution of our species, that women always go to the bathroom together I grabbed my sister, headed to the bathroom, and told her of my dilemma. The solution was quite simple. I had to cover up a huge wet spot on the back of my pants, so what better way to cover it up than with another wet spot. A plan was hatched. I would cover up the pee spot by pretending to fall in the toilet. Don't ask me how this brillant idea occurred to us. I don't even remember whose idea it was in the first place, but I was going with it. I'm pretty sure they bought it and I was able to borrow a pair of shorts and dry my pants in the dryer for a perfectly justifiable reason. For some reason falling in the toilet with your pants on is much less embarrassing than peeing them.
The White Pants period incident happened at Dodgers spring training baseball game. Why did I wear white shorts anyway? It's evitable that when I wear white I will spill something on it. Whether it is a spagetti meatball or salad dressing, it will end up on my white clothing. Anyway when I went to the bathroom is when I noticed that my period decided to come that day and at full flow. The boy I was attending the game (the same one from the pee the pants moment) refused to leave the game early to spare me the embarrassment and discomfort of having gushes of blood splotched on the back of white shorts. All I remember was walking back to the car by myself carrying a bag of peanuts to cover up my blood stained butt. Another embarrassing moment and I still lived to tell.
So this brings me back to a more recent embarrassing moment. I stayed home from work on Monday to recuperate from my weekend trip to Florida. So as to justify my day off, I decided to do some housework. Oftentimes when doing housework I become rather heated. So it is not unreasonable to expect that clothing may be shed during the course of the housework duties. This day I had started vacuuming but soon began to break a sweat. I was home all by myself today so I thought what the hell, I would just shed my pants and continue the vacuuming. I start to vacuum the steps and the thought occurs to me that if anyone was peering in one of the windows that flank my front door that they would get a real show. Here I was bending over vacuuming in my underwear and exposing myself quite indiscreetly. But I wasn't expecting anyone today so I continued my chores. I then got a weird feeling like someone was watching and then heard a creaky noise on my front porch. I turn around and look down the staircase because my ass had been facing the front door and what do I see but a UPS delivery man dropping off a package right at the window next to the front door. By the time I turned around he was leaving. So I really don't know if he got a glimpse, a full blown stare, or if he was totally oblivious and missed the burlesque show that was I was unknowingly performing.
If he did see anything he probably has either requested another delivery route or gouged his eyes out.
Or worse, I'm now the butt of the jokes that the UPS delivery men tell each other after their travels.
Obviously there are also degrees of embarrassment that can be measured based on certain variables. For instance, who else is present when the embarrassing moment takes place is critical to the degree of embarrassment one experiences. Like in 7th grade when my best friend and I were walking down the hall and one of the popular 8th grade boys told my friend that her zipper was down. She was pretty darn embarrassed because when you're 13 and one of the popular kids points out that your fly is down you can't help but feel like you want to absorb into the nearest wall.
Furthermore, embarrassment can be enhanced when it involves certain bodily functions or displays of nudity or partial nudity. Maybe Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan are not embarrassed when their boobs decided to escape. It just might get you an Oscar afterall. And I also know that some men have no problem with passing gas in public. They will let it rip and just grin as if it is some expression of manhood or something. Or worse they may encourage you to pull their finger in anticipation for the fart symphony. Others can be quite embarrassed when a fart occurs around others and you have no way of covering it up. I read Dooce's entry today and she covers this subject quite comically.
Peeing your pants is another embarrassing experience. Or getting your period when wearing white pants. Both of these things have happened to me, so I know all too well the sting of embarrassment.
The pee your pants incident was well covered up though to avoid extreme embarrassment and to this day I'm pretty proud of the quick thinking that resulted in less embarrassment-it was trade off you see. When I was in high school, my sister and I were over a boy's house that I really liked (in hindsight it was a mistake but at the time I was quite taken with this fellow and so wanted to impress). One of this boy's friends came over who was a bit of a clown so he was trying rather hard to make us laugh. The reason that I finally succumbed to laughter involved a stuffed banana that was posing as penis. For some reason this was hilarious, go figure. I tried very hard to control my bladder but when you've been drinking wine coolers and some boy is pretending a stuffed banana is his penis, well you'd have to be made of stone to resist the laughter. Nevertheless, I peed my pants.
What to do?
Since it is understood through the evolution of our species, that women always go to the bathroom together I grabbed my sister, headed to the bathroom, and told her of my dilemma. The solution was quite simple. I had to cover up a huge wet spot on the back of my pants, so what better way to cover it up than with another wet spot. A plan was hatched. I would cover up the pee spot by pretending to fall in the toilet. Don't ask me how this brillant idea occurred to us. I don't even remember whose idea it was in the first place, but I was going with it. I'm pretty sure they bought it and I was able to borrow a pair of shorts and dry my pants in the dryer for a perfectly justifiable reason. For some reason falling in the toilet with your pants on is much less embarrassing than peeing them.
The White Pants period incident happened at Dodgers spring training baseball game. Why did I wear white shorts anyway? It's evitable that when I wear white I will spill something on it. Whether it is a spagetti meatball or salad dressing, it will end up on my white clothing. Anyway when I went to the bathroom is when I noticed that my period decided to come that day and at full flow. The boy I was attending the game (the same one from the pee the pants moment) refused to leave the game early to spare me the embarrassment and discomfort of having gushes of blood splotched on the back of white shorts. All I remember was walking back to the car by myself carrying a bag of peanuts to cover up my blood stained butt. Another embarrassing moment and I still lived to tell.
So this brings me back to a more recent embarrassing moment. I stayed home from work on Monday to recuperate from my weekend trip to Florida. So as to justify my day off, I decided to do some housework. Oftentimes when doing housework I become rather heated. So it is not unreasonable to expect that clothing may be shed during the course of the housework duties. This day I had started vacuuming but soon began to break a sweat. I was home all by myself today so I thought what the hell, I would just shed my pants and continue the vacuuming. I start to vacuum the steps and the thought occurs to me that if anyone was peering in one of the windows that flank my front door that they would get a real show. Here I was bending over vacuuming in my underwear and exposing myself quite indiscreetly. But I wasn't expecting anyone today so I continued my chores. I then got a weird feeling like someone was watching and then heard a creaky noise on my front porch. I turn around and look down the staircase because my ass had been facing the front door and what do I see but a UPS delivery man dropping off a package right at the window next to the front door. By the time I turned around he was leaving. So I really don't know if he got a glimpse, a full blown stare, or if he was totally oblivious and missed the burlesque show that was I was unknowingly performing.
If he did see anything he probably has either requested another delivery route or gouged his eyes out.
Or worse, I'm now the butt of the jokes that the UPS delivery men tell each other after their travels.
posted by amyd | 9:00 PM
2 Comments:
hilarious! god, i remember the pee your pants - no fall in the toilet incident. classic! it's even funnier that they bought it!
I agree morgan. I too hate the word panties and would never utter it from my lips. But writing it doesn't seem quite as bad. I prefer "underwear" myself, but panties has more effect.
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